Dismemberment of Our Hearts, Bodies: How Planned Parenthood Videoes Exposed Deep Shame

ONE PIECE

“My body keeps failing me. I feel like I have no control over my body anymore,” I shared with a friend.

Since I’ve been diagnosed with epilepsy in the last year, I’ve struggled understanding my emotional response to my body, to my mind’s failure to me.

My last post was almost two months ago because I felt disconnected and fearful.

Who knew that it was going to take watching the fifth Planned Parenthood edited video to help me understand what has been going on within me.

Before I go any further, I must explain something upfront. I am not going to discuss abortion processes or my opinion on it. That’s a blog for another day.

Also, I am not going to go into graphic descriptions of the abortion process, rather I will address the bodily fragmentation felt shamefully after sexual abuse.

My last seizure happened the Sunday after my last blog post, and I was scheduled to begin writing within the next couple hours. Instead, I lost consciousness and was sent to the emergency room because of how long it took me to respond to the life around me.

The following weeks I wept and couldn’t understand the depth of my shame that I was experiencing for having another seizure.

Clearly, I had no control over my body.

Last week I allowed myself to watch the fifth video, exposing Planned Parenthood’s manner of selling baby parts for profit.

Before then, I had been protecting myself, wanting to live in denial that boundless profit could be made from parts of pieces of a baby.

My eyes watched the minutes go by, dry, shocked, and unflinching. That’s until I saw the remains.

The pieces.

The disjointed bodies.

That’s when it clicked. That’s when I wept.

Yes, I was looking death’s work before me–death’s irrevocable work right before my eyes.

Clearly those lives had no control over their bodies.

As sexual abuse survivors, you may have felt a twinge of identification with those images, too, but couldn’t quite put your finger on the ‘why.’ In our lives, our bodies, at some point, were viewed in part, not the whole.

Maybe someone even profited from the desecration of your body.

Thinking of my latest epileptic episode, I realized this disease–much like my perpetrators from long ago–took control of me, violated my body, and left me emotionally numb.

It’s not the same, mind you. Yet, it helped me connect the new disgust rising up within me toward my own body, my own brain.

Sharing this connection with another survivor, she reminded me of something she discovered through her healing journey on the subject of shame.

“Well, that makes sense to me. Don’t you remember when I was working through how I really felt about my body, and I chose to draw my thoughts instead of writing them?!” she returned with great passion.

The healing subject at the time was shame toward a survivor’s body.

“Remember how I drew a leg here, an arm there, my torso in another place–all surrounding my head?” she reminded me.

Yes. Yes. How could I have forgotten?

The horror on the face: sketched with heavy dark pencils, shadowed everywhere, agitated even further by a creamy, soothe background.

Each part of her body scattered across the page like volcanic matter spewing upward and outward upon one of the most beautiful canvases of all time: creation.

Like my friend, many abuse survivors have similar responses.

Some hate certain parts of their body. Or all of it.

Some think they’re ugly. Or fat. Or disgusting.

Some survivors only see themselves in light of their genitalia. I’m significant because I have breasts; I’m toned and fit; I’m sexy, and I get a lot of attention; I know how to use my body to get what I want.

Some survivors do anything and everything to hide or blend in to the crowd, creating a form of invisibility.

In fact, some even try to get fat in order to prevent their perpetrator–or anyone for that matter–from seeing them as attractive.

Holding onto these false, twisted, and unloving perceptions of our bodies does not honor the God we serve.

If, indeed, you have heard of the Lord Jesus Christ and believe in your heart and confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, then contempt for our bodies is contrary to the truth.

Let me explain.

The truth is, God not only knows all of our thoughts, but also He formed each of our body pieces and formed them together in our mothers’ wombs (Psalm 139:13).

The truth is, our bodies–each of our bodies and each part–was fearfully and wonderfully made. Period.

The word ‘fearfully’ there means stupendous and admirable: not anxiousness, apprehensiveness, or dread.

The truth is, God desires unity. Unity is one common theme seen throughout Scripture.

God, since the beginning of time, has desired for His people to be unified with Him. To be unified with the body of Christ, that is the church. And to be unified in our marital relationships.

As a result of the trauma we experienced during the abuse, we, most likely, have dismembered our body in the way we look at it. God in His goodness wants to heal our hearts, our minds, our bodies, and our perceptions of our body.

I’m learning how to love my body as a whole, including my mind.

With all my heart, I know that one day the epilepsy will be no more, and connectivity will exist been mind and body.

With all my heart, I know that each aborted baby will have a whole and complete body in heaven.

With all my heart, I know that each of us as survivors will also have new bodies that will never again feel dirty, ugly, fat, disgusting, or numb.

Nope.

We’ll walk those streets of gold with an unspeakable joy, shouting with gladness the praises of our Savior and King, our Eternal Healer.

Until then, if we place our disjointed bodies before the Lord in prayer, He will be faithful to us.

He will tenderly draw us together to make us new.

And whole again.

What’s your next step?

Go look in the mirror and look at yourself. What do you see? A wonderfully made person? Or a less-than-satisfactory, despicable body? While looking in the mirror, say this out loud, “I am significant. My body is magnificent. I am wonderfully made.” Try repeating this multiple times a day. Pray through it. See how God will meet you in connecting you with your body.

Join me on the healing journey.

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4 responses to “Dismemberment of Our Hearts, Bodies: How Planned Parenthood Videoes Exposed Deep Shame

  1. Oh Krista! I didn’t know about the seizures. Wow. I’m not sure what to say… except: everyday on earth I long more for heaven. Come Lord Jesus!

    • Thanks, Julie. 🙂 Yes, it’s been recent. My first was in November 2014. Christmas Eve was my second. I was hoping to be finished and that the medication would reset everything, but that’s not what God had stored up for me. Not being able to drive for 3-months seizure free has been quite a drag, not mention an easy depression-starter. Only in the Lord’s strength can we go on from day to day. Come, Lord Jesus, Come!

  2. WOW… I’ve never thought of my negative self-image as being dishonouring to God. I just know that it affects my ability to pray and be vulnerable enough to share what my feelings and struggles are… and to ultimately let go of the guilt and shame that I’ve held onto since I was young.
    I have struggled with excess weight for all my adult life and even when I focus on making healthier choices, I do well for a while and then sabotage the positive results because people start commenting on how good I look or how I’ve done a great job… and I end up in a worse position than I started. Like all I identify with is being obese, unhealthy and unfit.
    I struggle to read those verses in Psalm 139 because even though I know it is truth, my own self-image is so warped and contrary to what God says and that’s fed a sense of worthlessness that I haven’t been able to shake off, even though I try to convince myself it’s not true.
    …. I think that my worst struggle is knowing that I try to do things in my own strength because of a fear of intimacy that brings a need to protect myself. It’s so hard telling God the things that matter, or trusting God for protection.

    • WOW! is right!! Tracey! So much of what you wrote about above would make me wahoo! and jump up and down to party with you, if we were in person. Do you know why?

      Those revelations that you’ve identified above (obviously the Spirit of God is gently opening your eyes to HIS truth, and not your own) are beginning signs of healing and growth! You’re headed on the right path!! The enemy will try to tell you to pull a U-ey, but don’t you dare!

      Handle one of those concerns at a time so not to overwhelm yourself. We do not serve a God of confusion. Nor do we serve a slave master like Pharaoh, who not only removed all supply of straw, but also maintained the daily quota of making bricks upon the Israelites.

      That’s not our God. He doesn’t load us down to the point of confusion or despair or failure. Nope. He usually caps us–to a point where we can’t do it on our own–so that He can show up and be the Hero.

      After all, He’s our Savior. 🙂

      It’s interesting that you said it’s so hard to tell God the things that you matter. Today as I was studying Ephesians, I was exploring what “all prayer and all petition” meant (6:18). One of the commentaries that I read listed different types of prayer: group prayer, individual prayer, silent prayer, shouting prayer, walking prayer, kneeling prayer, eloquent prayer, groaning prayer, constant prayer, fervent prayer. The point being–just pray.

      When I read the shouting prayer, I snickered. Early in my healing journey, I did a LOT of shouting prayer. It felt good. Much of it was accusatory or challenging prayer. Something like, “if you are God and love me and want to take care of me, SHOW UP!” And He would, of course. Usually in the funniest ways that let me know that my shouting prayers and challenges didn’t make Him flinch.

      Tracey start there. Start with the telling Him what’s really on your heart, keeping the rest in the back of your mind.

      Truth of the matter is, you can’t tackle those other issues without talking with Him.

      He loves you. You are stupendously made.

      And I am humbly honored that you’ve opened up your heart and life to me in this community of survivors.

      Until next time, I am praying for you.

      Krista

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