Two weeks have blurred by without me publishing on this blog.
Missing one week bums me out, but missing two creates a pit in my stomach I just can’t seem to get rid of until I hit the publish button.
So why didn’t I publish?
This word has been in my vocabulary for some time. One of my friends in college suffered petit pal seizures. Watching her seizures did nothing to prepare for my own.
Strangely enough, walking through the sexual abuse healing journey did help me prepare for my follow-up appointment with my doctors.
From childhood, I learned to ignore aches and pains. It’s been during adulthood I learned the value of paying attention to one’s body and that aches and pains function with purpose.
During one of the follow-up tests I had to have at the hospital, a technician gave me great advice, “As many details as you can give the doctor will help her determine what happened to you.”
Someone else counseled me in a similar fashion years ago when I began my sexual abuse healing journey.
She said, “Go in your room and lock the door. Don’t answer the phone if anyone calls. Then allow your mind to remember every time you were abused. Remember every detail, as you can, and then speak it to God.”
Speaking to God about my abuse, I thought, would be easy, but I was shocked to discover how angry saying the memories made me.
I was angry at God about the abuse, about having to remember, and about all the baggage my life now felt bogged down with as a result of the abuse. Healing like this takes on a combative edge.
The woman who gave me the advice was not a counselor. I am not a counselor, either. Such sharp interaction with our Heavenly Father, exposing raw and volatile emotions proved beautiful.
Giving my doctor details collected from my episode allowed many pieces of the puzzle fall together. It helped that my husband was able to be present, too.
We’re still working out my health, but I am thankful how the Lord will resolve all matters.
And I’m thankful for how He met me this morning in a Psalm of David.
“My heart is steadfast, O God” (Ps. 108.1a).
Yes! In the midst of the turbulence, the storm, the normal life hiccups and disappointments, I desire my faith, my trust to be steadfast upon God.
Whether health or healing from past abuse feels overwhelming, our loving and heavenly Father has gifted us His Son and Holy Spirit to guide, direct, and strengthen our daily steps for His glory.
In my journal I wrote these thoughts while thinking about how my health and healing journeys may merge together:
Unmovable is how I desire my heart to be described toward Your love, Your purpose, Your glory. I desire to reflect, to highlight, or to showcase the reality of Your proximity, Your love, Your care, and Your holiness that transforms the sinful into the redeemably gorgeous.
Oh, how awesome He is at making the horrible into the staggeringly stunning!
“I will sing and make music with all my soul” (Ps. 108.1b).
My mouth delights to sing, but I’d rather find the rhythms of my writing; the patterns of my thoughts; and the melody of His grace, infused within the sharing of my healing journey quicken the heartbeat of souls as they are stirred to dance a little closer with their Savior.
Even if it means a complicated melody and harmony.
I’m willing to learn.
After all, a steadfast faith in the Lord endures despite the roadblocks.
What’s your next step?
In your healing journey, have you reached a roadblock of sorts? Where are you stuck? Pray about this with the Lord; ask Him to help you see what He desires you to see. Talk to a mentor-friend and see where she might be able to assist you in finding the next step.